


The sun, the moon and all of the stars

by hyucksicles



Category: NCT
Genre: Angst, Blood, Blood and Injury, Childhood Friends, Hanahaki Disease, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:54:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24241642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyucksicles/pseuds/hyucksicles
Summary: “i want to bein love with youthe same wayi am inlove with the moonwith the lightshiningout of its soul.”― Sanober Khan
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Moon Taeil, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Moon Taeil/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 20
Kudos: 55





	The sun, the moon and all of the stars

**Author's Note:**

> I FINALLY FINISHED THE HANAHAKI YES oh my gosh this fic was in my docs for so long hahshs im so happy its done. I hope you all like it!! and I apologise in advance for any tears (sowwie heh).
> 
> HUGE shout-out to my lovely child and beta ella <33 i adore you so much MWAH

Moon Taeil. The name was fitting, really. Every time Taeyong thought of him, he thought of the moon.

He thought of the nights all those years ago where Taeil would drive him to the hill outside the city in his hand-me-down car in the dead of the night because Taeyong just needed to get away. How the both of them sat on the grass looking up at the moon, Taeil’s hand gently resting on Taeyong’s and the soft night breeze drying his tear stained cheeks. 

Taeil was his shoulder to cry on during those times. A comforting presence. Much like the moon in the night sky, Taeil had become a constant in Taeyong's life from the very beginning.

He still remembered the time when they were both young and stupid and drank way too much at some house party. How both boys stumbled through Taeyong's garden at three am, Taeyong desperately stifling his laughter as he tried to maneuver Taeil without him falling flat on his face. Taeil was even more of a lightweight than Taeyong, and that was saying something. 

Taeyong ended up tripping over his own two feet , sending the two of them crashing onto the ground. With laughter spilling from their mouths, they gazed up at the moon in the night sky, shoulders touching as they laid on the dew covered grass. It was then that Taeil leaned up and hovered over the other boy, smiling down at him with rosy cheeks.Taeyong barely even had the time to think before the older boy was closing the distance between them, sealing their lips with a kiss. 

Taeil’s kiss was warm and soft, languid as his hot breath fanned against Taeyong’s lips in stark contrast to the cool air around them. He couldn't quite remember how they had ended up falling asleep in Taeil’s room that night, but Taeyong would always remember the morning after.

Waking up the next morning on the mattress next to Taeil's bed, Taeyong had looked at the sleeping boy with newfound hope. Hope that his pathetic little — or not so little — crush on Taeil would be reciprocated.

However, when said boy had finally woken up from his slumber, he had no recollection whatsoever of the night prior. 

Taeyong's first kiss, forgotten so easily by the boy who had held his heart in his hands for as long as Taeyong could remember. 

Life went on normally after that, as if nothing had changed. But something *had changed, and Taeyong was terrified because of it. He was scared, so, so scared but he had done his best to push every thought of the dreadful disease that plagued his world to the back of his mind.

*Taeyong wasn't in love with Taeil, right? It was just a crush. It would fade. It wasn't love. It wasn't. It couldn't be. He was his best friend and Taeyong’s love for him was purely platonic

Those were the words Taeyong would repeat to himself over and over in his mind, hoping that if he said them enough, they would become true. Taeyong knew, however, that he was lying to himself. Still, repeating the mantra in his head seemed to keep the disease at bay for quite some time. There even came a time where Taeyong believed he had successfully avoided it all together. 

However, as Taeyong would come to find out soon, Fate would not be that kind to him.

* * *

It was the day Taeil's college acceptance letter was said to arrive. 

Taeyong had already gotten his and had a confirmed spot at the university both boys were aiming for. He was just as nervous as Taeil about his friend’s results and was headed over to the olders house for moral support and to calm his own racing heart. 

However, as Taeyong turned the corner onto the street where Taeil lived, said boy was already running towards him, a piece of paper held high in his hand, chanting “I got in! I got in! I got in!”. 

He reached Taeyong and immediately picked him up in his arms, swinging the younger around in his hold. After having the air knocked out of him briefly, Taeyong joined Taeil in his joyous laughter as they continued to swirl around some more. Taeil set Taeyong down and as Taeyong looked into his best friend's eyes — the ones that shimmered like the moon in the night sky — he just _knew_. 

Taeil hugged him impossibly tight, burying his face in Taeyong’s neck as he whispered into the boy’s skin: "I'm so happy we'll get to stay together. I don't know what I would do without my best friend." 

Taeyong smiled despite his arms starting to shake, because he knew that Taeil’s words were sincere and warm but there were tears pooling at his eyes, the knowledge of his sealed fate taking over his mind. Taeil pulled away and the smile on his face morphed into a concerned frown at the younger’s teary look. 

"Are you ok?" His worried eyes bored into Taeyong’s.

"Yes," he responded, trying with all his might to not let his voice quiver.*  
I'm just so proud of you  
The smile the older boy gave him was worth the ache he felt in his heart. 

That night, the seed was planted in Taeyong's lungs and a few months later, he coughed up blood for the first time. 

From that moment on, Taeyong knew he was a goner.

* * *

It had been almost five years since that day and somehow, Taeyong was still alive. It seemed that the universe wanted to draw out his suffering for as long as it could. As if Fate was playing a twisted joke on him.

Both he and Taeil were now finished with college and well into their work-life. Taeyong had decided to become a graphic designer, since he had been passionate about art and designing ever since he was a little boy. It only provided him with some odd jobs and didn't exactly guarantee a loaded paycheck but it made Taeyong happy.

And Taeyong figured that well, with what limited time he had left, he might as well enjoy it.

The job allowed Taeyong to work out of the comfort of his small apartment. It wasn't much, filled with tiny succulents and vintage knick knacks he had collected over the years, but when the golden hour settled throughout the city, the warm light bathed the apartment in an orange glow. At night, he could see the moon perfectly from where he sat at his desk as it shone in through his open balcony doors, distracting him from his work countless times as Taeyong’s mind drifted to the man who shared its name. 

Moon Taeil. The boy Taeyong had met as just a child had now grown into a man. He had become a true virtuoso on the piano — a musical instrument he had mastered in his teen years — and was sought after by many theaters, often playing shows that were sold out in the blink of an eye.

In addition to his musical work, Taeil had also taken on a day job as a music professor at the university both he and Taeyong had studied at. He was as happy as could be and in turn, Taeyong was happy for him. After all those years his love for the older had never faltered.

Even when bloody petals would force their way out of his throat every once in a while, Taeyong didn't regret loving Taeil. He never did. It was just so easy to love him. It felt natural. No matter how much it hurt. 

However, this only meant it would nearly tear Taeyong in half when he saw Taeil happy with someone else. 

Nakamoto Yuta, a Japanese transfer who had moved to Korea two summers ago.Taeil fell head over heels for the man and honestly, Taeyong couldn't blame him. Yuta was gorgeous. His sooty black hair fell in waves just below his pierced ears, perfectly framing the permanent dazzling smile on his face and his honey skin which was warm to the touch. 

Taeil's face brightened every time he would talk to Taeyong about how much he wanted Yuta to be his. He had spent hours telling Taeyong about every detail that defined the Japanese man as his head rested on Taeyong's lap, whose fingers combed through Taeil’s tresses. 

From the way Yuta talked, a cute accent highlighting every word that left his mouth, to the way his nose crinkled when he laughed. With every miniscule particularity Taeyong had learned about Yuta, Taeyong was sure he could draw the man from scratch in his mind.

So finally, one fateful night Taeyong had smiled at Taeil and with a heavy heart and petals scratching at the insides of his lungs, told him to go after the man of his dreams.

* * *

Taeil chased after Yuta for some time, but it wasn't long before the Japanese fell for the older man's charms. How could he not? Taeil was the perfect man. Handsome, thoughtful, kind, and talented. It was impossible not to fall for him.. 

A few months passed before they were official and Taeil had proudly introduced his new boyfriend to Taeyong. At first, Taeyong felt that he should hate Yuta. Hate him for taking his best friend away from him, taking up his time, and having what Taeyong had always longed for. 

But Taeyong found that he simply couldn't. Yuta was sweet, understanding and kind but most importantly, he was good to Taeil. 

Taeyong could see how much love the man held for him. It was in the way Yuta’s eyes lingered on Taeil’s face every time he smiled. He'd know that look anywhere. It's the same one with which he looked at Taeil. 

When the two of them were together, it was like Yuta was the sun and Taeil was the moon, an absolutely perfect pair. Both of them complete opposites but a faultless match nonetheless. 

So as Taeyong sat facing the two in what had always been his and Taeil's favorite diner, Taeyong felt as though he were the stars looking onto their love but never getting to touch or feel what he so desired for himself. Always watching from a distance. Always longing for the warmth they held. 

Much like the stars in the freezing expanse of the universe, Taeyong was left out in the cold.

* * *

Two years had passed since Yuta and Taeil first got together. 

Their anniversary was coming up and Taeil had begged Taeyong to help him go shopping for something special, claiming he needed the other man's help choosing _"the right one”_. Taeyong had asked Taeil about what he had meant on the phone but his friend had been evasive, insisting that Taeyong would soon find out what he was talking about.

So, with a gift to find and an unanswered question, Taeyong was pulled through the crowded streets of Seoul by a very excited Taeil.

"I've already narrowed it down to this one shop but I just can't decide which one Yuta would like better and I _need_ your opinion." Taeil explained through quick breaths as he moved through the huge number of people that surrounded them, all heading their separate ways. Taeyong was still very confused as to what the older meant.

"What do you mean, Taeil? Which wha— " He was cut off by Taeil's shout. 

"Here it is!"

Taeyong looked up at the sign above the quaint little modish looking shop in front of them. The name Manon's Bijouterie was printed above the entrance, elegantly curled in feminine looking font. 

Taeyong's stomach dropped to his feet. He really should have seen this coming. 

Taeil was going to propose.

And _of course_ he wanted his best friend to help him choose the perfect ring.

The younger male gulped and looked towards the man beside him who wore a sheepish grin on his face. 

"You sure you ready to pop the question?" Taeyong asked him, trying to keep his voice a teasing tone despite the shakiness hidden underneath. Taeil laughed a little nervously but answered nonetheless, his tone determined. 

"I'm sure." Taeil smiled at his friend, genuinely happy and completely oblivious to the fact that Taeyong’s entire world was currently crashing down around him. Still, Taeyong couldn't help but smile back, surprised at the fact that it was a genuine smile as well. Then again, all he had ever wanted was for Taeil to be happy — and he was — so by default, Taeyong was happy too.

The two spent an hour and a half deciding on a ring.

Taeil ended up buying a small and delicate silver ring with a beautiful golden shimmering quartz stone. 

"It reminded me of Yuta’s warmth." Taeil’s tone was soft as he talked to Taeyong, a warm smile spread across his face. "You know, kinda like he's the sun and I'm the moon.” Taeil giggled slightly at his confession. “It’s silly, I know.” 

Taeyong felt unable to respond in any way, instead resorting to chuckling bitterly at the irony of the fact that he himself had made that same comparison in the past. He started to question what the hell he must have done in his past life to deserve this?

Taeil didn't seem to notice the younger’s change in demeanor though, far too immersed in thought as to how he was going to make the proposal as perfect as possible.

* * *

That night, Taeyong ended up with flowers forcing their way up his throat once again, scratching at his inner walls and taking drops of blood with them. 

Hanahaki, as he had discovered, had a cruel way of choosing a flower that reminded the person suffering from the disease of their unrequited love, which meant the petals Taeyong had coughed up always belonged to the same flower. 

The moonflower. 

In all his time living with the disease Taeyong had gotten pretty desensitised to the flowers crawling up his throat. But that night, Taeyong broke down in tears and for the first time in a long time, the fear of death plagued his nightmares.

* * *

It was becoming more and more noticeable that Taeyong’s health was slowly deteriorating, gradually becoming worse in the months leading up to the fateful wedding. Taeil and his future husband were far too busy with preparations and their own jobs to realize there was something wrong. 

In fact, most of Taeyong's friend group were too wrapped up in their own worlds to notice either which he was very thankful for. He didn't want any questions. Taeyong had never told any living soul about his little “issue” and he had promised himself he never would.

Unfortunately for Taeyong, however, his good friend Johnny was very perceptive. 

Johnny had invited him to coffee and Taeyong had innocently accepted, not suspecting the interrogation that he would eventually be submitted to by his friend. 

"Look, Yong, I know there's something wrong. You've been looking really under the weather lately and I'm concerned.” Johnny was firm as he spoke but the golden shine of his honey brown eyes gave the male a much softer edge. “Also, before you say anything, know that I won't let up until you tell me." One of his hands had come to rest on Taeyong's smaller ones, giving the younger a comforting squeeze.

Taeyong loved the fact that Johnny was so caring, truly. He was always the first to offer help for one of his friends, always the first to offer up a solution or a shoulder to cry on, and he was never one to complain. Right now,however, Taeyong was starting to get a little frustrated because of it. He pulled at his faded strands lightly, releasing a sigh as he squeezed his eyes shut for a second and wished the headache this conversation had caused to just fade away.. Why did Johnny have to ask so many questions?

"How many times do I have to say it? I'm _fine_ , Johnny. I just have this cold that's been clinging on for longer than it should. That's it." Taeyong said in the most nonchalant tone he could muster, itching to just change the topic. 

"Well, I don't believe you." Johnny's brows drew together as his eyes searched out Taeyong's, eager to know the other mans thoughts for he couldn't bring himself to believe what his friend had told him.

Taeyong rolled his eyes, barely managing to keep down the wince as a sharp pain ran through his forehead.

"Fine, don't believe me then, but that's all there is to it." 

Johnny sighed, shaking his head. “Taeyong— ”

Taeyong jumped forward in his seat, both hands wrapping around Johnny’s on the coffee table as he looked the other man in the face. 

“Look, Johnny, you’re one of my best friends and I love you. So believe me when I say I adore the fact that you always look out for me but, _please_ Johnny, I am asking you to just drop it. I promise you I am okay.”

They stared at each other for a moment longer before Johnny finally sunk back in his seat, still wearing a look of disbelief but dropping the questions entirely. They then moved on to talk about trivial things for some time before Johnny had to leave. 

Pressing a quick peck to Taeyong's cheek, the older man exited the small coffee shop through the glass door. As Taeyong watched the man leave, his tall figure bundled up in a long coat and a knitted scarf that blew in the wind, Taeyong could only think of one thing. 

Why couldn't he have just fallen for Johnny?

* * *

In what seemed like way too little time, the date of the rehearsal dinner had already caught up to Taeyong. 

He talked with some of the guests and greeted Taeil's parents, admiring the beautiful beachside location the couple had chosen for their ceremony. The venue had a breathtaking view of the ocean, full moon standing tall in the night sky and perfectly visible from the small balcony where guests mingled throughout the evening.

Taeyong had to wear even heavier makeup to hide the bags under his eyes, the now almost translucent paleness of his skin and the hollowing of his cheeks having grown more prominent.

He gave his best man speech perfectly and had the whole audience, including Taeil, tearing up at his emotional words that he had curated so carefully over the past month.Taeyong was so numb to the pain in his chest by now that delivering the speech was an easy feat.

That night after the dinner, Taeyong laid on the pristinely white sheets of the bed in the hotel room that was close to the venue Taeil had rented for him so Taeyong wouldn't have to drive back to his apartment in the night. Tired and yet unable to fall asleep, he lolled his head to the side and looked out at the sky through the huge balcony windows. 

The same full moon from earlier looked down at him. The moon that had caused Taeyong so much pain over the years, serving as a constant reminder of the boy whose heart would never be his. Yet somehow, even after all the suffering, the moon still brought him comfort. Still reminded him of those many nights where he and Taeil had gazed up at its beauty, all hardships and concerns swept away by the wind as they had sat together in silence.

Taeyong smiled at the memory. He felt at peace. 

The universe was kind to him that night. There were no flowers.

* * *

The next day was, strangely enough, one of the happiest days of Taeyong's life.

He had expected to be close to bursting out into miserable tears every second, or to be so numb to everything around him that he wouldn't be able to utter a single word but instead, Taeyong had found himself waking up with the feeling of a heavy weight being lifted off his shoulders. .

The whole day Taeyong was filled with a sense of happiness that he hadn’t felt in a long time.

Taeyong sat in the prep room with Yuta, talking and laughing about all kinds of things together with Yuta’s other friends.Taeyong even told them childhood stories about himself and Taeil, something that would normally bring back painful memories. 

He told them about the time the two of them had secretly snuck out candy from their local convenience store, or how they would always prank Taeyong's older sister on April fools day each year. He even recounted some tales of a drunken Taeil that had Yuta clutching his stomach in laughter, his makeup artist desperately trying to keep him still as she attempted to do her job. 

Shortly before the ceremony was set to start, Taeyong had located Taeil's fitting room, rasping his knuckles lightly against the door before the other man uttered a "come in!" 

The first thing Taeyong noticed as he slipped inside the room was Taeil standing in front of the mirror, nervously arranging his bowtie with a thin sheen of sweat covering his forehead. He looked handsome. In that moment, Taeyong couldn't help but think back to the scrawny Taeil he had grown up with. He truly was so proud of how far his friend had come. 

Picking up a napkin, Taeyong went over to him, turning Taeil's body so they faced each other. He lightly tapped the napkin against Taeil's forehead to remove the droplets of sweat before moving to fix his bowtie. 

"What would I do without you?" Taeil sighed, smiling at his friend.

"Crash and burn, probably." Taeyong answered the question with a playful smirk. Both of them chuckled but Taeil still looked as nervous as ever, so Taeyong placed a firm hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Taeil, I’ve known you since forever so believe me when I say this: You're an amazing person and you deserve all the happiness in the world. You both do. And I know you're going to be the best husband ever." Taeyong was sincere as he spoke because he knew what he was saying was true. Taeil really was going to be the best husband ever. 

“You can do this,” Taeyong assured him. “Deep breaths. This is just like playing a sonata in front of a bunch of people. You've done that loads of times." 

The olders brows drew together in a pout. "Yeah but this time I'm not playing the piano and as far as I know a sonata does not require a lifelong commitment." 

Taeyong gave his friend a pointed look. "You know what I meant." 

Taeil grinned at the look on Taeyong's face and took a breath. 

"You're right. I can do this." 

"Go get em tiger." And with those words and a wink, Taeyong made his way out of the room.

* * *

That day Tayong walked the aisle, not as a groom — which he had imagined many times before — but as a best man. The smile he wore was still as blindingly bright as if the happiness that filled Taeil on that day filled him too. Taeyong found it odd that there was no itch in his throat and no ache in his heart, but he didn’t question it. He couldn’t if he wanted to, too caught up in the day's events to stop and think about it. 

Everything went smoothly — well, as smoothly as a wedding could go — with a few hiccups here and there, but they were easily smoothed over. Both Taeil and Yuta had cried as they delivered their vows, and Taeyong, tears brimming at his own eyes, had clapped and hollered as they were finally pronounced as husbands. 

After the ceremony and the cake-cutting, the real festivities started. The wedded couple and the guests moved to the giant tent set up behind the old gothic church just as the sun was swallowed by the horizon, music starting to blare from the speakers as soon as everyone was gathered together.

Taeyong danced with god knows how many people that night, throwing back quite a few cocktails as he did so. His cheeks were red and his heart was light as he waltzed with a cheery Johnny, the taller man twirling him around as he laughed before Taeyong moved on to the next person. 

He was pretty sure he danced with Taeil as well at some point, although that was during the time where the alcohol levels in his brain were at an alltime high. He could still faintly recall seeing Taeil's face in front of him as they moved rather dorkily to the music, the sound of his own laughter echoing in his mind. 

The entire night, Taeyong had felt as if he were on cloud nine.

Little did he know that he would soon plummet from said cloud very quickly and very painfully.

* * *

Taeyong was on his way back to the hotel room, a sobered up Johnny by his side to ensure his safe return, when it happened. 

It was like everything hit him at once. 

There was a pang in his chest as every ounce of heartbreak he had ever felt came crashing down on him, the pain causing him to double over as it ripped through him. 

He could barely hear Johnny's concerned words over the ringing in his ears, could barely feel the olders hands trying to hold him steady as every moment of rejection Taeyong had ever experienced played in front of his eyes like a broken record. 

Suddenly, a burning heat seared his throat as he began to throw up more flowers than he ever had, the white petals contrasting with the angry red of his blood as they splattered onto the pavement in front of him. 

The world around him turned muffled and Taeyong could vaguely hear someone’s frantic shouting, accompanied by the sound of thudding footsteps. It felt distorted and he could see flashing lights in his peripheral as his vision started to spin.

Soon enough, the tunnel closing in on Taeyong's vision collapsed completely, sending him into the dark as his body fell limp onto the ground.

* * *

Taeyong awoke to the beeping of a machine. As he slowly managed to open his eyes, he was met with a bright white ceiling and pale blue walls and a window with the curtains only half shut, letting in enough sunlight to let him know it was daytime. 

He turned his head to the side. A heart monitor, which only confirmed Taeyong’s suspicions that he was, indeed, in a hospital. His throat still burned slightly, the bitter aftertaste of blood lingering in his mouth. 

The door opened carefully, creaking as it slid against the floor, a nurse’s head popping in.

"Oh, you're awake!" The young woman spoke chirpily as she met his eyes, her dark hair curled up in a bun at the back of her head. "Your friends will be happy to hear that. I'll go let them know as soon as I take your vitals. Is that ok?" 

Taeyong simply nodded, afraid that if he opened his mouth to speak, a river of flowers and blood would spill out. The womans gaze met Taeyong’s a couple of times as she took his vitals. 

She always smiled at him whenever he met her gaze, but there was an underlying sadness behind it, maybe sympathy or pity. Taeyong couldn't blame her, his situation was pretty pitiful.

She left the room and a few moments later, Johnny walked in, quietly shutting the door behind him. "Hey you." 

Johnny smiled as he greeted him, trying to sound as happy as he usually was in an attempt to make Taeyong feel better. It didn't work, but Taeyong was appreciative of the attempt. 

"Johnny." His voice croaked out as Johnny's eyes flitted towards him. "What happened?" 

Johnny explained that he had called the ambulance as soon as the petals started spewing from Taeyong's mouth and that Taeil had come frantically running as soon as he got wind of the situation.The ambulance had promptly arrived near the chapel and he guessed that most of the guests knew by then, the festivities having been interrupted by all the commotion.

Taeil and Yuta had both spent all night at the hospital, same as Johnny. They only stepped out half an hour ago to go get a late breakfast. 

Taeyong frowned at the information. He felt bad and guilt creeped through him at the fact he ruined his best friend’s wedding, one of the most important events in his life.

“Just a cold that's been clinging on for longer than it should, huh?"

Johnny quoted his own words back to him and Taeyong shrugged, not really knowing what to say. He felt bad for lying to Johnny too, of course. 

He hears Johnny let out a frustrated sigh, keeping his own gaze trained on his fingers as they play with a loose thread on the hospital blanket.

"How could you not tell me about this? Or anyone, for that matter. I mean, I can understand that you wouldn't want to tell me because maybe we aren't close like that.” He backtracked a bit and Taeyong let out a wince, aware of the fact that Johnny was hurting because of him.

“But not even your family? Not even Taeil?" 

At that Taeyong let out a bitter laugh, which then turned into a choked sob, tears gathering at his eyes. It was silent in the room until Johnny gasped lightly.

"Oh God. It's Taeil isn't it?" He whispered in realization. 

Taeyong burst into tears. Too much. This was all too much. 

Sobs wracked through him as Johnny raced over to hold him, arms engulfing Taeyong's frail body as he softly padded at his hair, whispering sweet nothings against the crown of Taeyong's head.

* * *

It took a few minutes for Taeyong to finally calm down enough to be able to breathe properly, thankful for the warmth of Johnny’s hold around him. His crying had ceased just in time too, his doctor walking into the room the next second. 

"Good morning." He greeted both the sniffling Taeyong and Johnny, whose arm was still placed around Taeyong's shoulder, his thumb rubbing circles into the rough fabric of Taeyong's hospital gown. 

"I have a few things to discuss with the patient.” He glanced at Johnny as he continued. 

“Normally only family members are allowed to be present,” the doctor explained, sending them both a polite smile before his eyes met Taeyong's. But if you want your friend to stay I can allow it." 

Taeyong squeezed Johnny's hand as he turned his head to look up at him. "You wouldn't mind if I spoke privately with the doctor, would you?"

Johnny gave him a reassuring smile as he squeezed Taeyong's hand back. "Of course not." 

With another kind smile at Taeyong and a polite nod at the doctor, his friend left the room.

"So, mister Lee. According to our test, you have had this disease for nearly a decade. Am I correct?”

"Yes."

"And during all these years, you were the only one with knowledge of you having this disease?" 

"Yes."

"And were you aware that there was a procedure to remove the roots from your lungs?" 

"Yes." 

"And you knowingly chose not to have this procedure?" 

"Yes." 

Of course Taeyong knew about the removal and that in the early stages you could remove the roots slowly growing inside your lungs before they became too many. 

Was the reason to not have this removal stupid? Maybe for some people, but not for him. 

It might sound crazy to anyone else, but the feelings he harbored for Taeil were a part of him. They were woven into his soul and had — for as long as he could remember — been a part of Taeyong's life. Losing those feelings would be like losing a part of himself. 

Besides, the procedure removed all feelings of love towards the person in question. Wouldn't that mean he would lose the ability to feel platonic love towards Taeil? The thought terrified him. He couldn't risk losing his friendship with Taeil. 

Taeil was one of, if not _the most_ important person in his life. Taeyong couldn't lose him. He couldn't. 

The doctor sighed thoughtfully as he lowered his clipboard to peer at Taeyong through his glasses. 

"To be honest with you, it's a miracle you've even survived this long. Most people suffering from Hanahaki die in the first two years if they don’t get it removed.” He paused as if waiting for a reaction but Taeyong did nothing.

“The fact that your body has held it off for so long is medically unprecedented. However, the disease has become so advanced that we don't even have the possibility of removal now. The flowers inside your lungs just keep on increasing in quantity and at this rate, I'm afraid the time you have left is at best... three days." 

Taeyong swallowed hard at that last sentence. All these years he had known this day would come. He had prepared for it, trained himself to not feel fear in the face of death. Yet here he was, the thought of his life ending still making his heart seize up inside his ribcage.

Seeing as Taeyong didn't respond, the doctor figured he might want some time to process the information that had just been dropped on him, so he cleared his throat.

"I'll leave you to—”

"Is it possible to not inform my friends how much time I have left?" 

The doctor blinked a few times before he answered. 

"Legally, we only have the obligation to inform your family of your condition so yes, your friends do not have to receive that information. But are you sure— " 

Taeyong cut him off again before he could continue. "I'm sure." 

He spoke firmly and the doctor nodded, turning to exit the room before Taeyong stopped him with the words that tumbled out of his mouth.

"One last question." 

The older man turned back to face him. 

"Does it hurt?" Taeyong asked, voice barely above a whisper. The doctor looked at him with sympathy in his eyes, a small gentle smile settling on his wilted face. 

"I wish I could tell you otherwise… but death by Hanahaki disease makes the person suffer a great deal." 

Taeyong nodded at him to continue speaking, despite the dread that built itself up in his throat. 

"The plants will build up to the point that they pierce through the tissue of the lungs, filling them with blood. This will then cause the person to cough up the blood as their lungs tear apart from within. They’ll begin to choke as they are no longer able to breathe which will result in their imminent death. The whole process can take up to a few minutes..." 

Taeyong absorbed all the information that was calmly being explained to him, leaning back on his bed, unable to avoid picturing the scenario in his head. 

After a moment, the doctor excused himself, offering a sad smile as he informed Taeyong that he had other patients to attend to. Taeyong waved him off with a small “thank you” as the man exited the room.

Taeyong was left to his own thoughts for a brief while before the door opened again, except this time it was Taeil who stepped inside. 

His hair was slightly tousled and the dress shirt he wore was wrinkled and untucked. He looked tired and stressed out, making Taeyong's heart ache at the sight. 

Taeil came to sit down on the chair next to the hospital bed, clasping his hands together and placing them next to Taeyong before laying his head on top of them, his face hidden from view. He inhaled and exhaled deeply as if preparing for something. 

Very slowly, he lifted his head to speak, though his gaze wouldn’t meet Taeyong's. The younger is thankful for it, he doesn’t think he could bear seeing the pain in his eyes.

"Is it me? Is it because of me that you've suffered all these years?" 

Taeil's voice came out raw and pained, the sound barely audible even in the quiet of the room. 

Taeyong bit his lip, knowing that after all these years, he had to tell him the truth. Taeil deserved as much.

His hand moved to comb through Taeil's hair and the older let him, the gesture as much a comfort to him as it was to Taeyong. He wasn’t quite sure where to start, different words and explanations landing on his tongue before he swallowed them down again, none of them feeling right. Taeyong sighed, deciding to just go with his gut feeling. 

"I don't regret loving you. If I did, I would have had the roots removed but I couldn't— "

"Why didn't you?" Taeil stood up abruptly, his voice suddenly much louder in volume. "Why the hell didn't you get it removed? Why? Why? When you knew that it could kill you!" 

He was yelling now, tone strained and desperate and Taeyong felt hot tears gather in your eyes all over again. 

"I couldn't risk losing you! I've loved you my whole life Taeil!" He yelled back, his voice terribly hoarse as he tasted blood on his tongue. 

"But I haven't. I never loved you like that and you knew it." 

A deafening silence crashed over them like a wave against the rocks at the bottom of a cliff as Taeyong felt his heart finally shatter, the million pieces that he had spent years trying to glue back together now strewn about on the blue tiles of the hospital floor. It was one thing to be aware of Taeil not returning his feelings, but hearing the words fall directly from Taeil’s mouth destroyed him.

Taeil raked his hands roughly through his hair in frustration as the silence continued. He was angry, that much was obvious. 

"Why couldn't you just think of yourself for once? Why did you have to be so...so stupid as to not tell anyone? Why— " His voice gave out at the end, a sob threatening to spill from his throat. 

Taeil had always loved Taeyong, just not in the same way. The fact that was the reason that he might lose the most important person in his life — the person who had been there from day one — was excruciatingly painful for him. 

He looked over at his best friend, his best friend who lay in a hospital bed. He saw the silent tears rolling down his hollowed cheeks, the way Taeyong's formerly vibrant eyes seemed to have lost all their colour, the way his body looked so fragile under the sheets. 

Taeil mentally cursed himself for not noticing sooner. For not helping. For being a terrible excuse for a best friend. He felt tears blurring his own vision, unable to move as the pain and the fear and the realization of it all kept him frozen in place. 

Neither said anything for a while until Taeyong broke the silence. "I'm sorry..." He breathed out as he looked towards the older.

Taeyong was sorry. Sorry for Taeil and the fact that he was the one Taeyong had fallen in love with. Sorry for his friends and family whom Taeyong had kept this a secret from all these years. 

But most of all, Taeyong was sorry for himself. For falling in love with the one boy he would never be able to have, and suffering the consequences because of it. 

Taeil stepped towards him, enveloping the younger in a hug. Unbeknownst to Taeyong, he had started crying once again. Taeyong was tired of crying by now, tired of everything if he was being honest.

As Taeil held him close, holding him tight as to calm him down, it was like Taeyong knew that his end was close, even closer than the doctor had predicted. 

In that very moment, he made a decision. 

Taeyong steadied his own breathing slowly, ceasing his crying. No more tears, he thought to himself as he lifted his head from where it was tucked into Taeil's chest, a weak smile on his lips as his eyes met those of the older. Taeil gently grabbed onto his face then, thumbs rubbing under his eyes to dry away the tears.

"Taeil?" Taeyong was grateful for the steadiness of his own voice, even if it carried barely above a whisper. "Could you do me a favor?" 

Taeyong could see anger, sadness but mostly fear swimming in Taeil's dark orbs. Orbs that still shimmered like the moon in the sky, even after all these years. He nodded nonetheless. 

"Remember that bakery we used to go to all the time when we were in college? It had my favourite chocolate muffins ever. If I recall correctly, it's somewhere near here. Would you mind getting me one, please?" 

Taeil's brows scrunched up slightly at the odd request. 

"Please?" He added, trying hard not to sound desperate. 

Sighing, Taeil let his features soften, running a hand through the dyed strands of his friend’s hair before leaning back, sliding off the edge of the hospital bed where he'd been seated.

"Of course." 

Taeil stepped towards the door, opening it before glancing back at the younger one last time. "Should I tell the others to come in?" He asked. 

"No, that's ok. I'd like to get a little rest to be honest,” Taeyong chuckled softly as he gave his friend a reassuring smile. 

"Ok." 

Taeil's eyes flitted over him briefly. It was clear that he was nervous about leaving the other alone. He stood there for another few moments before releasing his bottom lip from between his teeth, a tight lipped smile on his face before he finally made his way out of the room, pausing just as he was shutting the door. 

"Well, I'll see you later then." 

Taeyong gave him the best grin he could muster, forcing down the cough scratching at his throat. 

"Yeah, see you later Taeil." 

As soon as the door clicked shut behind him Taeyong let his weight fall back against the pillow behind him, chest shaking as he let the coughs bubble up out of his mouth. He brought one hand up to his lips as he did so, covering up the sound. He pulled them away once the coughing ceased, unsurprised to find drops of blood smeared on his skin. 

Taeyong wiped them off on the hospital’s sheets, not finding the energy in him to look for any sanitary way to get the fluid off his hands. 

Taking a deep breath, Taeyong used his remaining strength to reach for his phone on the bedside table, removing it from the charger it had been plugged into, presumably by one of his friends. 

Pressing down on the power button, he waited until the screen sprung to life, tapping around until he found the notes app. 

Taeyong scrolled through his notes, smiling as he stumbled across old birthday texts he had written to his friends, grocery lists that he had forgotten to eliminate and even the hair bleaching instructions he had copied and pasted there from some website from back when he had first begun to dye it. 

The smile turned bittersweet as Taeyong found the one titled ‘for my parents.’ With shaking fingers, Taeyong opened the letter he had written to his parents in the hopes he would be able to send it to them before he died. He was glad he could fulfill that wish now and be able to tell them one last time how much they meant to him. Copying and pasting the text into an email, he sent it, blinking away the tears that threatened to cloud his vision once more. 

Taeyong wasn’t going to cry. Not again. Not even when the pain in his chest kept growing and growing. 

He then went through his files to retrieve a video labeled as ‘taeil’. He stared at the screen for a moment, a thumbnail of his smiling face staring back at him. 

Taeyong had recorded the video months before, back when his hair was still a fiery red instead of an icy blue, on the morning after the night that he had coughed up so many petals he had thought it would be his last. 

He attached the video into another email, the itch in his throat and the ache inside his body continuing to get worse with every passing second. Chewing on his lip, Taeyong pressed his thumb down harder than needed on the send button, looking at his phone intently as he waited for the video to finish sending. 

A heavy, shaky exhale made it past his lips as the email finally sent out. He could feel the flowers building up, waiting to burst out of his lungs. He opened his messenger app quickly, the pain in his limbs making it harder to type but he did it anyway, needing to say goodbye to the one other person who mattered the most to Taeyong. 

[09:17am, delivered] 

goodbye johnny

i’m sorry for everything 

i hope you can forgive me

i really wish i could have fallen in love with you instead

As the last message sent, the flowers forced themselves into Taeyong's mouth, spilling from his lips along with the blood as his phone clattered to the ground and a hoard of nurses broke through the door. 

Taeyong could hear nothing, he could see nothing, he could feel nothing. Nothing…

...but pain.

* * *

Taeil knew something had happened as soon as he entered the hospital wing Taeyong was stationed at. His phone buzzed in his pocket, automatically connected to the wifi in the hospital. He fished it out, looking at the notification that lit up his lock screen.

[1 new email]  
_from taeyong_  
goodbye  
(no body)  
[1 attachment] - for taeil.mp4

Taeil's blood ran cold as he broke out into frantic running, ignoring the looks of pity that were sent his way as he flew through the pristinely white hallways, sneakers squeaking against the tiled floor. 

His phone started to buzz again as he turned the final corner into the corridor where Taeyong was stationed, stopping dead in his tracks as his eyes met those of his husband. Yuta was holding his phone pressed to his ear, streaks of tears glistening against the rose of his cheeks as his lips kept on mouthing the words _I’m so sorry_ over and over again. Next to him on the ground was Johnny, back pressed against the wall as he sat curled in on himself, knuckles white as he clutched his phone tight to his chest.

Taeil's world froze then and there, an icy sort of chill running from his fingertips to the base of his spine, the blood rushing in his ears drowning out any other sound around him as his thoughts raced through his mind too quickly for him to process. 

Not possible. It couldn’t be real. Not Taeyong. Not his best friend. They had promised each other they would stay side by side forever. 

There was no way Taeyong could be gone. 

Taeil felt the impact of Yuta running up to him in a delayed sort of way, as if his senses were muffled by the cold that had spread out through his body. He barely felt Yuta’s nails digging into the fabric of his jean jacket.. He noticed that his tears had started to fall onto Yuta’s shoulder and could hear his own heavy intakes of breath, but Taeil felt far away, as if his mind and his body were no longer one. 

Taeyong. The one person in his life he had taken for granted. The one person who had always been there. A constant presence he could count on for just about anything. The one person he could trust with everything, who knew all his secrets and had sworn to protect them. The person who was an extension of his own soul.

Taeyong wasn't supposed to leave. 

Taeyong was supposed to be there forever.

* * *

The room was dark around Taeil as he laid in his bed, the events of yesterday still fresh in his mind. His body and mind still felt so numb, his movements lethargic as he turned onto his side. 

Taeil knew that it was morning but he continued to lay under his covers, the blinds and curtains blocking out the sun.Yuta was just beyond their bedroom door, within reach and yet still so far away. His husband had reassured him that he was there for him and respected Taeil's wish of some alone time with a small smile and a gentle kiss to the older’s forehead. 

Slowly, Taeil reached his hand out from under the covers, placing it onto the phone that lay face down on the nightstand. He gripped onto it after a moment, sliding it off the surface and lifting it up above his face as he rolled onto his back once again. 

The bright screen stung at Taeil's eyes as he unlocked the device, hissing and blinking rapidly against the light before his eyes were able to adjust. His fingers trembled slightly as he opened his email , the dreaded message sitting unread in his inbox still. 

Taeil breathed out through his nose as he rolled onto his other side this time, facing Yuta's side of the bed as he propped the phone up against a stack of pillows. 

He stared at the video's thumbnail as he lay there, the small smile of a cherry haired Taeyong staring back at him until the screen faded to black, leaving Taeil to stare at his own reflection, tired and pale in the darkness of the room. 

Taeil bit back the whimper that tried to escape him as he reached forward to turn on the device once again, this time pressing play on the frozen picture of Taeyong's face. 

“Hey, Taeil.” Taeyong breathed out on the screen, lips curling up just a little at the end. He was fiddling with his hands in his lap, tongue peaking out briefly to swipe at his bottom lip. 

“Honestly I’m not really sure how I should start this…” Taeyong cleared his throat after a pause, eyes looking directly into the camera. His gaze made Taeil's stomach churn, especially after he took notice of the puffiness around Taeyong's eyes, the ashen quality of his skin. 

“Maybe I should start by stating the reason why I’m doing this.” On-screen Taeyong continued, exhaling sharply through his mouth, his nerves shining through in full force. 

“Well… yesterday…” Taeyong cleared his throat again. “Yesterday you picked out the proposal ring for Yuta.”

“I’ll be honest, when you called and asked me to come with you to go shopping for something special, the thought of it being _that_ never crossed my mind. I don’t know why to be honest…” A light chuckle left Taeyong's lips. “I really should have seen it coming.”

“But I didn’t. And honestly the entire time I was there with you, I felt flowers at the back of my throat…”

“I was so scared that you would notice how weird I was acting, how quiet I was being, how unenthusiastic I must have seemed. But you were so happy at the time, too engrossed in your own little bubble…”

Taeil swallowed hard at the words. 

“I don’t blame you, though. I never blamed you for not noticing and I never will. So, I hope you don’t blame yourself.” Taeyong took another drawn out breath, eyes glossed over. “I don’t when you’ll be watching this. If it’ll be days, weeks, or months from now … hell, maybe even years.”

“Although, I seriously doubt that last part.”

Closing his eyes for a moment, Taeil felt the first of his tears roll down his cheeks. 

“Yesterday…” Taeyong continued after a few moments of pause. “Yesterday, when I got home…”

“I coughed up the most petals I ever have. It was so scary, they just never seemed to stop coming.” The younger's voice breaks at the end, fear swirling in his eyes. “I — for a while I didn’t think it would stop. I thought that maybe,that was the end.”

“I must have passed out at one point because I woke up on my bathroom floor this morning. I didn’t sleep very much.” Taeyong shook his head, eyes looking anywhere but at the camera. 

Silently, Taeil was thankful. He didn’t think he could face meeting the hurt in Taeyong's eyes. 

“Nightmares… I had nightmares about dying. I haven’t had those in quite a while, even though I’ve been aware of my fate for a long, long time now.”

“So, I thought that I… I should be prepared, for when it inevitably happens. That’s why I’m filming this video.”

Taeil sucked in a sharp breath as Taeyong's eyes met his through the screen, a sad smile on his best friend;s face

“Taeil, like I said, I don’t know when this video will find you. If it’s days or weeks or even months from now… I hope it’s months. I hope I at least make it to your wedding. I already know that Yuta will say yes, because he’s so stupidly in love with you it’s insane.” 

Taeyong smiled as he talked, laughing despite the tears in his eyes. Taeil couldn’t help but let himself smile back, just a little. 

“God, if you could see the way he looks at you sometimes. I can tell you straight away that if you have any, _any_ doubt in your mind that Yuta loves you then you better erase them now because he looks at you like you’re the center of his universe.” 

The smile on Taeyong's face faltered. “I should know, I look at you the same way.” 

Taeil had to bring up his hand to his mouth to muffle the sobs, his heart tearing into pieces even further as he watched his dead best friend on the screen talk freely about the feelings he had hidden for so long. 

Shaking his head, Taeyong continued, trying his best to put the smile back on his face. 

“This video isn’t for me to talk about that… it’s for me to give you a proper goodbye, one that I fear I won’t be able to give you when the day comes and my time officially runs out.”

“Taeil, I want to say thank you for being my best friend all these years. For being someone who I could rely on. For being the person who stood by me and got me through the hardest years of my life. Who would take me out to stargaze at ungodly hours of the night when things at home got just a little too overwhelming. Who would help build up my confidence every time one of my projects didn’t turn out the way I wanted it too. Who took care of me after I’d downed one too many shots at a club downtown.” 

Taeyong chuckled at the memory as it seemed to wash over him.

“Thank you for being the moon in my night sky, the one who helped guide me through the dark. I’ll always be grateful for you and everything you’ve done for me.”

There was a pause as Taeyong ran a hand through his dyed roots, his smile tired but content, eyes meeting the camera once more, locking eyes with Taeil through the screen. 

“So… I don’t really know what else to say except that I wish you a life full of happiness. Most of all, I want you to know that I don’t regret loving you the way I did… the way I do. The only thing I regret is the fact that I won’t be there for the happiest years of your life...but… even if I’m not there in person, I like to believe that I’ll still be there… in some way.”

“Oh,” Taeyong started up again after a moment's silence as he seemed to sift through his thoughts. “Please don’t ever feel guilty about — about what’s gonna happen to me. It’s not your fault and I don't want you to live your life with this weight on your shoulders. I promise you that I do not blame you for any of this in the slightest.” 

Taeyong bit down on his lip, tongue swiping across the chapped skin before a grin spread on his face and he let out a breath. 

“Well, I guess that this is it.”

Taeyong's arm reached forward, hand disappearing behind the phone and out of Taeil's view, making the older lean up. 

“No...” He whispered, voice spread so thin it almost died in his throat. “No. Please don’t go.”

“Please don’t go, Taeyong.” Tears ran down Taeil's cheeks as he pleaded once more, even though he knew that deep down his pleas were useless.

On the screen, Taeyong smiled, oblivious to the distress flooding Taeil's body as he picked up the phone in his shaking hands. 

“Goodbye, Taeil.”

Just like that, it was over and Taeyong's face jumped back to the frozen thumbnail of his smiling face, the play button obscuring half of his features. 

Unable to hold himself together anymore, Taeil clutched the small device to his chest as he fell back onto the cheeks, ugly sobs spilling out of his throat. Sobs so loud that moments later the door to the room was thrown open as Yuta bursted in, the apron around his waist quickly discarded as he practically ran over to his husband.

Taeil couldn’t do anything except shake his head as the cries never seemed to cease, his eyes scrunched close as he tried to breathe through the pain that shot through his body. 

He didn’t feel the bed dip beside him but he felt the arms wrap around him, Yuta's warm body pressed against his own. Yuta's grip was tight, lips soft where they rested against the side of Taeil's head, whispering soothing words into his hair. 

Minutes bled into hours as they lay there together, Yuta's presence and his touch the only thing able to calm the storm of hurt raging inside Taeil's heart. The older eventually calmed down enough to slip into sleep, the dark enveloping him just as his lover did. 

That night, Taeil dreamt of simpler times. Of an unruly mop of black hair and chubby cheeks, of days spent at the lake near his hometown and nights spent studying in his room, highlighters and all of Taeyong's coloured pens strewn about the floor. 

Taeil woke the next day up with the firm belief that Taeyong had sent him the dream as a sign that he would keep their promise. 

Taeyong would be there forever, one way or another.

* * *

In an apartment on the other side of the city, Johnny's head hit the tiled walls of his bathroom, the rays of the morning sun filtering in through the small window near the ceiling of the small space. 

He felt exhausted, throat raw and bleeding as he inhaled and exhaled slowly, swallowing down the dryness in his mouth. 

The last remains of the wilted petals from the rose that had been growing inside him these past few months lay splayed across the floor of the bathroom, their dried up brown colour tinged with the red of Johnny's blood. 

A tear rolled down his face as Johnny let his exhaustion take over. In his mind, a single question echoed around the walls of his brain. 

Why couldn't you have just loved me?

**Author's Note:**

> kudos/comments are very much appreciated!! i would love to hear your feedback !! ;-;
> 
> my [twt](https://twitter.com/neoneversIeeps) and [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/neoneversleeps)


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